


a sliver of hope, a glint in the dirt

by injeolmis



Category: NCT (Band), WayV (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Breaking Up & Making Up, Disagreements, Established Relationship, M/M, luren, yukren
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-18
Updated: 2020-07-18
Packaged: 2021-03-05 06:21:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,036
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25359895
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/injeolmis/pseuds/injeolmis
Summary: In the midst of a break-up, both recounts their steps, from the moment it went wrong until the moment they first met.
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Wong Yuk Hei | Lucas, Huang Ren Jun/Wong Yuk Hei | Renjun
Comments: 4
Kudos: 39





	a sliver of hope, a glint in the dirt

**Author's Note:**

> kinda wrote this in a frenzy,,, just had a sporadic burst of energy to write something so here it is!!! sorry if it's messy, anyways,,,, enjoy the 8k word vomit that is also unbetaed, ,, have fun :DD

“I think we need a break.” Renjun says in bated breath. He blankly stares at the empty wall that they’ve forgotten to decorate, ten months ago while moving in. _Too late now_ , he thinks. He mentally prepares himself, not daring to look at Yukhei, not wanting this to hurt more than it does now.

Still in denial, Yukhei chokes out a quiet sob, his hands shaking ever so slightly, not knowing what was the next course of action, he too has never thought he would ever see this very day. His mind, completely empty, devoid of any emotions. This was it, this was the fight that no one emerged victorious in, the final conclusion after three whole years. 

Yukhei recounts his steps, thinking, trying to find the place where it all went wrong, how did things escalate this quickly? He retraces his steps again. He reassesses how things were, searching for some kind of sign. With each step, it feels heavy, the more he tries to walk forward, he falls three steps back.

It burns, it’s unpleasant, his chest feels constricted, he needs to say something, he wants to say something, yet he can’t. 

Yukhei's mouth dries up, still getting choked up with all the things he wants to say, what he felt, the emotional turmoil, all of it. For the past months, the burden he had to carry was about to be unloaded from his shoulders. 

He wanted to say everything. Things he’d endured alone. Moments where Renjun felt rather distant, times he had pushed Yukhei away, leaving him to wonder if something was wrong. 

He retraces his steps again, from where it went wrong— exactly two hour ago.

* * *

“You’re late.” Yukhei frowns, as he looks over the clock above the tv. 

“It’s 2am. You missed our anniversary.” How could he miss a whole day? That’s beyond Yukhei’s comprehension. Twenty-four hours to show up, and still failing to do so, It was their anniversary, the third one. 

“Not now, Xuxi.” Renjun scowls as he hangs his coat at the rack next to the door. He kicks off his shoes, already trying to come up for something since he missed out. The gears inside his head, already turning, thinking of something he can say so he can be excused.

“You know how work is, especially in December.” It’s more of a ruse than a lie, but stil. Renjun knows this, he just wishes Yukhei would see past it. 

Despite the growing tension inside the flat, Renjun still walks up to Yukhei, who’s sitting on the couch. He lightly presses his mouth on his cheek, which anyone can hardly consider as a kiss. It felt like Renjun's mouth just so happened to brush against his cheek on accident, it was hollow and empty. 

“Huh, figures.” He replies dryly, not even sparing a glance at his boyfriend. 

“And what does that suppose to mean?” Renjun replies, he looks back, his voice getting a bit louder than before, showing small signs of exasperation, maybe a bit of surprise too, since he has never seen Yukhei like this. 

Yukhei mumbles under his breath, which ticks Renjun a lot more. He wasn’t even trying to communicate with him properly. Renjun rolls his eyes before throwing his keys at the counter.

“I can’t fucking hear you.”

Yukhei takes a deep breath before repeating what he just said. “I said, today really showed where your obligations lie.” He taunts back, he then slowly takes a deep breath, collecting any voice of reason inside his head and placing them inside an imaginary jar. He stands up, turning off the TV, disregarding the movie he was trying to finish, reminding himself that he was already half-way and with that, he drops the remote on the couch. 

The room got significantly dimmer, since the only light source was coming from the open kitchen. He finally has the courage to look Renjun in the eye. It was now easier to, considering the fact that he can barely make out what facial expression Renjun was holding as of the moment. It gave him some kind of consolation, not knowing whether Renjun was offended or sad with what he had said. 

“What did you just say?” Renjun scoffs, his voice now hinting a bit of malice in it. A huge blow on his ego is what Yukhei did, and he knew damn well how bad that was.

“You heard me, and I'm not repeating myself again.” Yukhei stubbornly answers back. He actively ignores the voice at the back of his head telling him to get off his high horse and begins to act more defiantly. 

“You’re inconsolable, you know that right?” Infuriated, he walked towards where Yukhei was standing. His voice trying not to crack under pressure, the argument was getting pretty heavy.

“I do this for us! I do this so we can pay the rent, to feed both of our mouths and Bella’s! so stop acting like I did something wrong!” His index finger prods Yukhei’s chest, accusingly. Yukhei covers his mouth, hiding the way it contorts in annoyance. 

“Don’t you dare bring the fucking dog into this-“ Yukhei exclaims, slapping away Renjun’s hand from his chest. Let’s just say Renjun didn’t take the gesture very lightly.

”And you know damn well that you did something wrong.” He retaliates again. He couldn’t just believe it, how could Renjun be this shameless?

“You’re supposed to be here by eight!” Yukhei answers, fuming with anger. “If I did this to you instead, I would’ve already been nailed on a fucking cross.” 

Yukhei clenched his jaw for a moment, trying to stop himself from saying anything that might add fuel to the fire even more. He steps back, reevaluating the situation over and over, trying to cool his head off. He looks over to Renjun, who seemed to be livid now, how great.

Renjun doesn’t say anything, both his hands on hips, his stance a lot more tense than before. His face wore a scowl, showing disdain.

Both stood there in silence, both hesitating to break their silent stand-off. Yukhei was adamant on making Renjun admit that he was in the wrong, but the other was too stubborn in doing so. Both, now standing on opposite sides. 

They were really throwing mean licks at each other, it was already getting below the belt.

They argue some more, some points invalid, some aren’t. Disagreeing on everything the other said just for the heck of it. Failing to find a middle ground for the both of them. They refuse to, just to prove that the other was completely wrong. It goes far south from then onwards, petty insults turned into plain insolence. Both, jibing at one another, trying to hit a sensitive nerve on their ego, completely disregarding any bit of self-preservation for the other. 

By the end, Yukhei slips up, commenting about something they’ve vowed to each other to never fuck around with, even as a joke. Yukhei realizes this, but the damage has already been done. Not even letting the other apologize, Renjun was quick enough to land a slap on Yukhei’s cheek. 

“You promised.” Renjun says, stifling his voice from breaking. He slowly backs away, the proximity between them getting farther and farther. Yukhei freezes, reflecting on the things he had said and done. He should’ve toned it a couple of notches down. Now he truly fucked it up. He had hurt Renjun one way or another, he crossed the line.

He tries to save himself, back-tracking on what he said, trying to apologize over and over, and explaining to the other that it was nothing but a slip-up.

Slip-up or not, every move, every word said, had consequences. Yukhei knows this, and is willing to accept whatever the consequences were, he didn’t care. He was clearly at fault for this.

“I think we need a break.” Renjun says.

The silence was deafening, before he knew it, he no longer could hear Renjun or himself. 

* * *

As he recounts his steps, he sees where their faults lie. 

He should’ve seen this coming. 

He still hasn’t said anything, he couldn’t think of anything. Everything he had in mind earlier? Out the window, no question.

He doesn’t know how many minutes had passed, he doesn’t bother even looking at the wall clock. All he knows is that Renjun has been sitting still, for god knows how long, probably while waiting for his response. From his peripheral, he could see the younger’s expression was gloomy, showing that he was and still is affected with what’s happening. 

He doesn’t bother looking at him directly, knowing that he would probably cave in and coddle him as soon as their eyes met.

Despite the rising urge he has, he stops himself. They need to talk, and it has been long overdue. He has to do this, they have to, and rightfully so. 

The clock’s ticking seemed to drown out the tension filled air, suffocating it may seem, it brings Yukhei solace, knowing that time didn’t stop for both of them, waiting for them to make up, but also grounding, realizing that every single thing that has happened is actually real. 

What Yukhei said was completely real. 

He closes his eyes, and uses a breathing technique to calm him down, they definitely need to talk their feelings out, especially now. If someone else heard what they were saying to each other, they would’ve been concerned, or worse, even call the cops on them. The gravity of the situation gets heavier as he lets seconds pass by.

Ignoring the conflict inside Yukhei's brain, wracking his head, to either shut up or not, afraid that he might make things worse, he opens his mouth, and with a shaky voice, he says.

“Remember our first fight? about making the bed?” 

* * *

“Xuxi, we’ve talked about this! You fix the bed every Monday, Wednesday and Friday!” Renjun vents in frustration, his cheeks fuming red from annoyance as he drags the blankets to the kitchen. He ignores how the blankets might get soiled from all the dust and dog hair lying on the floor, he’s gonna make Yukhei wash them anyway.

“Can you do it today? I’ll do everything tomorrow-“ Yukhei gets cut off by the blanket that gets thrown over him. 

“Nope, you know the drill baby.” Renjun says. As much as light hearted banter goes, it will never be serious. It will never go overboard and that’s what’s fun about it, which made him think what was different with today? Because within the snap of his fingers, the atmosphere turns sour. Things were no longer funny and it was all so sudden.

“How come you can skip days, while I can’t?” Yukhei reasons out, and he was right though, but Renjun doesn’t want to acknowledge it.

“Just because.” He replies teasingly, not knowing that he was already overstepping the line.

“I’m not kidding.” He says in a serious manner, removing the blanket from his head. He frowns at Renjun, he quickly begins to go off about how the younger gets his way every single time, not only in making the bed but also the chores, which was true, and is also kinda his fault too, but he’s way past that. 

“If it annoyed you so much, you could’ve told me.” Irritated, he yanks the blanket back to him, Yukhei pulls back. Again, to no surprise, Renjun was right once again, he should’ve stopped the moment Renjun said that, but he didn’t. He was getting more and more unreasonable.

“If I did, you wouldn’t have still done it.”

“And how do you know that?” Renjun, now agitated with Yukhei. 

“I just do.” Yukhei nonchalantly says, before excusing himself and grabbing the blanket from Renjun’s hands, the other slightly jerks forward by the sudden tug from the other end. Renjun glares back at Yukhei, then tugs the blanket back, which resulted in an impromptu tug of war.

Judging from their physical stature, it’s a no brainer knowing that Yukhei has the upper hand, a lean body, long legs, all that stuff, great physique in general. Which is why it comes as a shock to see Renjun giving him a pretty good fight, where Renjun lacks, he makes up for it with skill, wrapping his hand over and over with the blanket, making sure that he has the majority of it. He pulls harder, slipping his sock down, just after the heel so he wouldn’t slip accidentally and give himself a concussion.

“Give it up already!” Renjun says, slowly walking backward, Yukhei follows, still set on winning against Renjun. In all honesty, Renjun has no idea when did this start and how the whole thing conspired to, all he knows is that he needs to finish this.

Ten minutes passes by, both parties still refused to give up, both stroking their own egos and expressing disdain over the idea of being the bigger man. Renjun feels the sweat running down his back, it got a lot more intense in a span of minutes, and Yukhei was nowhere near to backing down. He groans, still standing his ground and trying to feel things out, testing how much Yukhei was actually pulling.

“Why are we even doing this?” Renjun blurts, before screaming something similar to a war cry, maybe it’s just plain crying, who knows? His right foot starts to slip, his grip loosens a little.

Yukhei shrugs, shaking off the sweat that’s dripping off his forehead, “I don’t know, but it helps letting off steam though.” 

Yukhei begins to pull the blanket a bit more harder, dragging Renjun’s entire body weight with it. He curses under his breath as he feels the blanket slowly slip from his fingers, due to clammy hands, Renjun was now given a hard time. His grip getting a bit too loose for comfort.

“Xuxi! I can’t—“ He utters, still trying to pull back. Finally, from what felt like ten hours, Renjun finally surrenders and loosens his grip. A huge wave of relief washes through him, as the tension from his body disappears in mere seconds and for a moment, he forgets about one thing, something very important to consider in a game of tug war, what is that you may ask? Well, it’s none other than Newton’s third law of motion.

In a blink of an eye, he sends Yukhei tumbling down and falling on his ass, maybe doing a couple of rolls over, until he comes to a halt. He lays on the ground, barely moving, his body aching all over.

The fight, resolved or not, was put on hold. Renjun rushes over to his side, checking if he was okay, hoping that he didn’t accidentally break his skull or something. 

“Xuxi? Oh fuck!” 

* * *

“You mean the chores right?” Renjun utters softly, the bags under his eyes seemed to be more obvious, Yukhei thinks. A huge frown drawn out on his face, every single part of _‘whatever this is’_ was exhausting and Yukhei wants out. 

“Here comes the Harvard graduates.” Yukhei says, in an attempt to lighten up the situation. Renjun doesn’t laugh, that’s fair, he thinks again. The situation wasn’t a laughing matter, and it shouldn’t be. That’s on Yukhei, bad joke, bad timing. He blames it on his mental state, he can’t really think straight, right now. Obviously not in the right headspace.

“Yeah...” Renjun whispers under his breath, terribly shaking, impeding himself from uncontrollably sobbing. Yukhei could only wonder what was going on inside his mind, he’s not even sure if Renjun really understood or heard what he just said, god knows if he still can still hear himself or Yukhei. 

The room falls silent again, this time around, Renjun wasn’t the one who couldn’t look at the other in the eye. Literally and figuratively. 

Months after moving is when things got a bit rocky and unstable. When they started to not meet eye to eye. A lot of miscommunication happened, miscommunication resulted in fights, the fights started to stack more and more on top of each other reaching the point where the four foundations of their flat couldn’t hold it any longer. 

Yukhei should’ve known better.

He wishes he could read whatever’s in Renjun mind as of the moment, he hates seeing him like this. He couldn’t help feeling bad about it. His shoulders slumped over, eyes on the ground, an obvious frown, he looks like he’d aged five years more because of the whole fiasco. 

But he puts this thought aside, reminding himself that Renjun had done something out of line, (But so did Yukhei although that can’t be helped right now) and he shouldn’t feel like this about him, not when they’re both in a fight. 

With hesitating movements, Renjun drags his feet in the kitchen, Yukhei could only look over and see that Renjun was preparing himself a drink. For the first time in a couple of months, he doesn’t bother stopping him. Renjun’s a grown adult, he knows what he’s doing, plus he needs it anyway.

He doesn’t also bother telling him about the hidden stash of tequila in the cupboards, he wants Renjun to relieve his nerves a little, but not to the point of intoxication. 

“We have a problem.”

“You think?” Renjun says, acknowledging the truth, and nothing but the cold, harsh and bitter truth, before downing his poor excuse of a cocktail. 

* * *

“Uhh baby? You love me right?” Yukhei shouts across the room, his head peeking at the door frame whilst his body hides behind the wall next to it. Renjun could only guess whatever his boyfriend is up to, and even if he guesses correctly, he’s sure, he’ll still be taken by surprise.

“Normally, I would say yes without any hesitation, but now it feels like this is heading towards a really bad direction.” Renjun says not-so-confidently. 

“I’m assuming that means yes.”

“Well...” Renjun replies with uncertainty.

“It’s the thought that counts.” Yukhei shoots back before going back to whatever he was doing earlier. Renjun blinks once, or twice before going back to whatever he was attending to. Whatever Yukhei had in mind, Renjun deemed it not important, judging by how easily he dismissed the subject. 

After a couple of moments, Yukhei returns to the kitchen with the biggest smile etched on his face. 

“Guess what?” Yukhei shouts again, finally walking inside the kitchen, with his jacket suspiciously bulky. Renjun notices fairly quick. He raises a brow at Yukhei, tapping his fingers on the kitchen table, before looking back at his phone.

Renjun doesn’t bother looking up again, he asks with no interest, while slowly drinking his cup of coffee. Whatever he was planning to do, Renjun could only wish for him to do it later, it’s too early for this. 

But even with cynical judgement on Renjun's part, he still compels himself to entertain what Yukhei was pertaining to, curious if it was really worth the while. So the moment Yukhei's jacket started to wriggle around, that immediately caught his attention.

Okay, maybe Renjun should be concerned about it, who knows? That thing could be an extra limb that Yukhei has been hiding from him for over a year and a half now. Especially now that he had known the nature of the older, he’s always on his toes, expecting the unexpected, awaiting for something that would give him the biggest shock of his life. Everyday, he lives in sheer terror because of Yukhei’s unpredictability, he’s pretty sure his life span shortens by a year, everytime Yukhei does something out of impulse.

“Yukhei, what’s in there?” Renjun deadpans, still eyeing whatever was inside his jacket.

“Oh nothing, just Bella!” He grins uncontrollably. He slowly unzips his jacket, soft whimpers could be heard coming from the inside of it.

“And what is Bella? Xuxi, don’t tell me you’ve got a child inside your jacket.” He says, finally standing up. His steps cautious, as he walks over to where his boyfriend was standing. 

“A child? god no! Although a child would sound great— not now of course! Give it a few years or so. But for the time being, we at least have Bella!” Yukhei rambles, which Renjun found adoring but also worrying. He finally decides to take a small peek at whatever the creature was inside, lo and behold, a tiny golden retriever that was also looking back at him. 

“Oh my god Yukhei!” Renjun screams in excitement as he hastily takes Bella away from Yukhei's arms.

“Not too loud! She has very big ears!” Yukhei whisper-shouts at Renjun, who was now ten times more excited than he was earlier. Renjun looked a lot more excited than Yukhei was, his heart screaming out of his chest, wanting to jump up and down in so much joy. 

“Yeah! i can see that!” He coos softly as he nuzzles the dog’s ears. Renjun sways left and right, lulling the retriever into sleep. He whispers softly, asking over and over ‘who’s a good girl’ , before replying to himself, quickly _‘you are! yes you are!’_ over and over.

“Xuxi, I love her!” Renjun squeals quietly, before walking back to him again, and kissing his cheek. 

“What about me?” Yukhei says begrudgingly, his lower lip jutting out a bit more. Renjun laughs, before kissing him once again 

“I love you too, you big baby!” Renjun replies while pinching Yukhei’s waist, sending him into fits of laughter. “How could I forget about my german shepherd?” Renjun adds, teasing Yukhei again. 

Yukhei scoffs before sulkily telling Renjun that he wasn’t a dog, never was and never will, clearly stating that he does not approve of his agenda. Renjun disagrees, before asking him if he knew who Clifford the dog is. Yukhei shakes his head, which turned out to be a big mistake.

Renjun goes on for a long rant, comparing the two of how similar they were, how lovable they were, not even mentioning how tall both were. He manages to ramble for so long, Yukhei actually needs to intervene in his mini monologue.

Yukhei gets the gist of it, and finds it very touching that Renjun thinks about him that way.

“So you’re telling me that the reason why I’m so tall, is because I’m loved?” A smile creeps over. Renjun nods, not realizing how much of a sap he sounds right now, Meanwhile, Yukhei covers his mouth. His heart swells in so much joy, as he fails to articulate himself properly and express how glad he was to hear what was just said. 

The apple of his cheeks showing while dusted with a rosy hue, flattered with what just happened.

“Oh get over it!” Renjun dismisses him once he realizes how much Yukhei was enjoying the whole thing, it was really nice seeing him like this, but not until he starts to tease him back. 

“I got tall because you love me so much!” Yukhei says as his eyes sparkle, he begins to bat his eyelashes prettily and pouts, mocking Renjun for what he had said.

“Alright, you’ve already had your fun, me and Bella are leaving now.” He turns around and walks away from Yukhei. Too bad Yukhei was quick enough to pull them back again. 

“I’m joking! Renjun, baby—“ 

He pulls Renjun into a back hug and makes sure to include Bella. He rests his chin on Renjun, before kissing the crown of his head. 

“You’re on thin ice.” Renjun says, still mopey about getting teased by Yukhei. 

Yukhei, then makes up to Renjun by asking him to come with in looking for Bella’s collar and buying toys for her. Basic errands stuff. Renjun agrees, before kissing the dog’s ears, still eyeing Yukhei. Yukhei raises his arms, showing surrender, and tells Renjun that he was done teasing him. He accepts this and puts Bella on the floor.

“Get ready in five, and we’re bringing Bella to the store.” 

* * *

Renjun finishes his drink before Yukhei could even say something again, it was too late (or early even if he’s being technical) and he was too sober for this. 

He stares at the counter emptily, it was as if he’s waiting for something to burst out of thin air. Maybe something that can help the two, a tool probably? Something that could mend the broken relationship? God, he wishes he had something that can easily fix this and a plethora of other problems. 

“I’m scared.” Renjun says wistfully. “It wasn’t meant to go this far.” He bites his lower lip, trying his best to suppress a painful sob. 

Yukhei doesn’t respond, he just lets his head hang between his shoulders, with his face buried in between his two hands. 

“If I only knew how the night would end, I would've done things differently.” 

Finally, after moments of silence, Yukhei speaks, “Do you regret things?” he asks.

The question had hit him pretty hard. Regrets. Did he have any ounce of regrets throughout the whole relationship. He can’t lie, because he did. A lot.

“Yes.” is the only thing he said. The distance between them getting wider and wider, Yukhei was now getting out of reach. 

Yukhei looks at him, dead in the eye, across the living room, to the island counter. His eyes, his pretty doe eyes, looks back at him, accusingly. 

The necklace hanging from his neck burns, Renjun unconsciously fiddles with it, accidentally striking a chord, an eminent response is what Yukhei gives, a painful expression is what he wore. Renjun chews on his bottom lip again, stopping himself from saying something.

“Was the regret-“ Yukhei stands up, holding himself back from looking at Renjun and walks towards the balcony. “moving in with me?”

Renjun avoids looking at Yukhei, his lips tight shut, finally giving him the answer he wanted. Yukhei exhales deeply, before cathartically screaming onto the balcony, not caring if he wakes their neighbors up. 

Renjun walks over to where Yukhei stands. It was a bit of a tight fit, but it’s alright, it’s Yukhei anyway. The older leans at metal railing, Renjun follows suit. They were quite high, but not that high enough, four storeys above the ground to be exact. He looks down, nauseated and nervous, he doesn’t know if it’s the alcohol or the height that is making him dizzy. All he knows is that he’s disoriented and this won’t go well.

Before the vertigo sets in and overwhelms him even more, He stops himself from looking down and starts to look at the horizon. The dull blinking of city lights and the quiet rustles from nearby trees, It was sort of soothing, if he fools himself enough. He then directs his attention to Yukhei’s face. The low breathing coming from him, the sound he hears every waking moment of his every day life for the past three years. 

“I got overwhelmed.” Renjun whispers, which was true. It was such a new environment, so he couldn’t help but feel sad and homesick. Yukhei huffs, still avoiding the gaze Renjun had fixated on him.

“I’m guessing I overwhelmed you too.” He chuckles bitterly. Renjun knew he was right. There were days where Yukhei felt overwhelming for him, some days, all he would want to do is to just sit down in silence and do nothing at all, but with Yukhei’s presence which was too bright, too loud and overbearing, it was nearly impossible to do so. 

Yukhei scoffs at how Renjun wasn’t even explaining himself that much. He leans over more, now exposing the matching necklace Renjun gave to him on their first anniversary, the exact one that was also hanging on Renjun's neck. 

“It was getting too much.” Renjun says, his eyes slowly getting watery by the sudden turn of events.

“Then you could’ve said no when I asked you to.” Yukhei replies weakly, crushed knowing that his presence went unwanted.

“But I wanted to, I thought I wanted to.” Renjun tries to take the older’s hand, but Yukhei is quick enough to pull away. This was the first time he did something like this, and he didn’t expect it to hurt this much. 

He has the right to get mad at him, Renjun understands why he acted the way he did, but he couldn’t help but hate it so much. He wishes for things to go back the way it were, he fucking prays that all of this was nothing but a nightmare.

Without any utterance of words, Yukhei carefully takes off the necklace, Renjun’s breath hitches as Yukhei softly yanks his hand forward, Renjun starts to feel uneasy, dejected even after seeing the other take his off. Yukhei reluctantly places his necklace on the other’s palm. He doesn’t spare a second to glance back at the other, Renjun begins to feel numb, everything around him starts to crumble. Yukhei took it off. He really took it off.

The weight of the necklace seemed to be heavier than before. He drops his hand, his fist clenched tight around it, his knuckles begins to turn white. Renjun emptily gazes at his hand, the lace swaying side by side, his mind chewing on so much thought. Without noticing, his hand unconsciously reaches out for his too. His head throbbing from the tears that he was still trying to fight back from falling.

His throat feels restricted, slowly tightening and suffocating him. He can’t breathe, not with the necklace hanging by his neck. 

“I’m guessing there’s no need for this then.” he murmurs quietly, and before Yukhei could even say something, out of impulse, Renjun had already torn the necklace from his neck and chucked both over the balcony. 

* * *

“Are you gonna push me, like last time?” Yukhei says, his eyes blindfolded. He stretches his arms forward, making sure he wasn’t going bump to any hard surfaces and corners.

“I didn’t do it on purpose!” Renjun says, while he holds one of Yukhei’s hands. 

“Well that’s on you— Ow.” Yukhei suddenly bumps his shin on the coffee table, maybe Renjun _did_ have something evil in mind and he wasn’t as nice as he thought. 

“I thought this was cute and shit at first but now I’m starting to think that you’re actually out for blood.” He grabs Renjun's hand a lot more tighter, afraid of whatever the younger might pull from his ass.

“Stop being a baby! That was the coffee table, not me.” Renjun snorts, ignoring the death grip Yukhei had on him, this doesn’t faze him at all. He was already used to it.

He begins to comfort the older, telling him that he wasn’t planning to do something evil, not now of course, it was their anniversary, and sure he was evil but he’s _not_ that evil. On the other hand, Yukhei was still a bit skeptical, who could blame him? Last week, Renjun didn’t put any seasonings on his ramen noodles on purpose, and Yukhei didn’t even say anything, afraid that he would hurt the other’s feelings if he critiques his shitty ramen so, he sealed his mouth, kept on eating as if nothing’s wrong. Not long after, Renjun reveals his diabolical plan of ramen sabotage, meanwhile his boyfriend was already scarfing up his second bowl. Yukhei, being a good sport, laughs at the harmless prank Renjun successfully pulled, applauds him even for fooling him well. He then proceeds to shove noodles in Renjun’s mouth, which ends up being a huge mess. 

“Yukhei, just stand there, okay?” Renjun warns him, for what seemed to be the fourth time already. Yukhei nods enthusiastically, ignoring the Kill Bill sirens that were going off inside his head, telling him that Renjun was going to prank him— not just on an ordinary day, on their anniversary too of all days, but even with this in mind, there he stood still, patiently waiting, hoping that it’s worth the risk. His body vibrating in so much excitement, he could hardly contain it in his body at all.

Sooner or later, he hears Renjun’s footsteps approaching him, his smile automatically widens ten times more. He begins calling out to Renjun, asking him to hurry up already, so they can follow the schedule he planned for today, it was already quarter past seven, and they need to leave by eight o’ clock sharp, they seem to have a lot of time, not until you consider the fact that they weren’t even dressed yet.

With much anticipation, Renjun finally removes the blindfold, Yukhei opens his eyes not long after. He looks down, and sees Renjun holding up what seemed to be a small red box.

“I already wore mine, so you should too!” He looked pretty excited, and now so is Yukhei. So without waiting, he takes the box, observes the small gold embellishments on the side. The box was beautiful, to the point that even if it was empty, Yukhei wouldn’t mind.

Renjun tells him to hurry up again, the unnecessary build-up killing his happy high. Yukhei nods over and over, reassuring him that he will open it, and that he was just admiring how well-made the velvet box is. With a deep breath, Yukhei finally opens it, and was pleasantly surprised once it revealed a golden disk pendant with a small 黄 (huang) engraved on it.

“Do you like it?” Renjun immediately asks, showing off his too. Yukhei bites his lower lip in excitement, trying to swallow down a squeal. It looked stunning on Renjun, he might shit himself because of it. Yukhei, obviously thrilled with the idea of wearing it around and bragging about it to everyone.

“I love it so much, you have no idea.” He says, showing how gratefully he was with what Renjun gave. He immediately turns around and squats low enough so Renjun could put it on him. His knees started to hurt, but he couldn’t care less. Renjun finally locks the necklace all together, and Yukhei straightens his posture.

“Just a heads up, but I’ll never remove this.” He grins turning around, facing Renjun now. He promises to never take it off, no matter what. Renjun laughs at the other, adoringly. He approves of this, telling him that it will never fade over time, therefore encouraging him to wear it as much as he wants. 

Yukhei's eyes bulges out of its sockets, his mouth hangs agape in pure shock. He then asks if it was made of real gold. To which Renjun laughs, reluctant to answer his query. Indeed, it was made of gold, purely of it (not entirely of course, if it was, the necklace would’ve been malleable. It was probably 14k at least, give or take.) but he didn’t want Yukhei to know that, knowing that he might nag at him and tell him that he shouldn’t have saved up for him, or something along the lines of that. He even memorized Yukhei’s speech about how he shouldn’t spend money on him verbatim. He has heard the speech countless times, it’s pretty much ingrained in his head.

So with that in mind Renjun only grins at him, abashed to answer the aforementioned question. Not a second later, Yukhei already gives him The Look™, and Renjun knows he’s done for. He thinks about trying to bullshit it all together, but he knows it’s no use, Yukhei already knows. He mentally prepares himself for another ‘ _Don’t spend money on me’_ speech again, when he notices the clock, eight-thirty five. He thanks the heavens above. 

“Would you look at the time!” Renjun exclaims, saving his ass from Yukhei’s very very long monologue. Yukhei looks behind him, his face immediately flushes in panic. He looks back at Renjun again, squinting, telling him that he’s going to let him pass this time.

“I’m saving it for later, don’t you think you can easily get away with this.” Yukhei nags. “How many times times do I have to tell you that-“

Like clockwork, Renjun simultaneously interrupts him “You shouldn’t buy things for me, you’re not obligated to— blah blah i get it.” Renjun huffs in frustration. Yukhei then breaks his tough façade, the crease in his forehead slowly smoothing out, he begins pouting, sulky about Renjun copying him.

He throws a hissy fit about how dead serious he was, and shouldn’t be mocked at. Renjun laughs, pulling him down by his collar and pecking his lips. He reassures him that he was in fact, taking him very seriously, but as of now, they should really get going. Yukhei agrees, worried that they might miss the first schedule. 

“Where are you even taking me?” Renjun asks, curious to where and what was their first stop. Yukhei doesn’t entertain the question, not wanting to spoil anything for the younger.

“You’ll have to wait and see.” Yukhei winks, before grabbing his towel to finally shower. 

* * *

“Xuxi, you don’t have to look for it!” Renjun shouts from the facade of their apartment building, struggling to keep up with Yukhei, who ran too fast for Renjun’s own liking.

The moment Renjun throws the necklaces, Yukhei screams in panic, leaning on the railings, stretches his hand out hoping to catch the necklaces before it inevitably falls on concrete below. He fails in doing so, so the next best option was to look for it downstairs.

Before Renjun could even blink, Yukhei was already running out the door, as if his life depended on it, his shoes barely on, he didn’t even take the elevator, he just used the flight of stairs next to it. Renjun follows him, hurriedly grabbing his keys and phone while locking the door shut.

“No! It's somewhere in here, I know it’s here.” Yukhei cries out, shuffling on his feet, looking for the two necklaces. He almost trips while overturning a garbage bin, thankfully it was empty. He crawls on his knees, feeling out the cold pavements. He breaks out into sobs, finally letting himself cry his heart out.

“Fuck, its too dark!” Yukhei shouts in pure distraught while his body slumps over the cold pavements, wallowing in self pity as he desperately tries to feel around, hoping that the necklace must’ve fell somewhere near where he was, he exhales a painful cry, his knees begins to hurt, he looked pitiful, but he couldn’t care less, that wasn’t his priority at the moment.

“Yukhei…” Renjun calls out quietly, a sick gut feeling to his stomach, his feets still stuck on the last ledge of the stairs in front of the building, his hand glued on the metal railings. He stares at him in shock, guilt crawling up in his spine, knowing that the little stunt he pulled is what caused all of this. 

“I can buy new ones, it’s fine.” Renjun says softly, finally stepping away from the stairs and walking towards Yukhei. He disregards this, Renjun isn’t entirely sure, he hopes he just didn’t hear him.

The closer Renjun gets, the more he can’t breathe, it was as if he was held in a chokehold. He couldn’t stand Yukhei like this, seeing how devastated he is for losing something he cherished so much. He falls silent, with him still on the ground, crying. 

“Get up, please.” Renjun pleads, his tears now threatening to fall. He doesn’t respond again.

The sobs were now far more louder than before, something about it tells Renjun that this was more than just a piece of jewelry. “It’s not only about the necklace, isn’t it?” He asks while standing over Yukhei, who was now kneeling, with his head down. 

Yukhei nods slowly, his voice strained from speaking at all. Renjun, visibly crushed by the sight, crouches in front of him. He holds his cheek dearly, before kissing his forehead. The dim orange light of the street lamp was the only thing that kept him and Renjun seeing the other’s faces. It’s pretty dim, but they could still pretty much make out what they looked like. 

“I have my phone with me, I'm assuming you left yours upstairs. You can use mine as a flashlight if you want. I’ll help you find it, okay?” Renjun says while handing out his phone. Yukhei nods while carefully taking his phone from him, and with shaky fingers, he opens the flash on. He spares no time shining the light on places he hasn't scowered before. Renjun sighs in relief.

Renjun looks here and there, searching and scanning the cracks and crevices at the frontage. Silence envelops the two quickly, either from the awkward air between them or just plain guilt.

He could hear Yukhei hiccup in between sobs, wiping his tears with the sleeve of his shirt, he looked so helpless. Renjun feels sick to his stomach, having to see him like this. Yukhei doesn’t deserve this, he doesn’t deserve this at all.

With every ounce of regret, he puts the energy in finding the necklaces, albeit it’s pretty hard to look for when the only light you can have is an orange lamp post, he even thinks about waiting it out, then go looking for it when the sun is finally up. After weighing his options of either, A) Waiting for the sun to rise while Yukhei ignores him or B) Not wait and just suffer for a while in looking for it, he chooses B, after realizing that Option A might do more harm than good. Both were too sensitive right now, they can’t do another fight.

So he sucks it up and looks for something that vaguely resembles the necklaces. He realizes how challenging this would be when he mistakes what seemed to be the fifth quarter he has encountered in a span of twenty minutes. Yukhei seemed to be dealing with this too, judging by the sound of his pocket clinking from the coins he’d collected, and the casual groans every now and then.

It’s once again silent between the both of them, Renjun wants to say something, apologize for what he did, for the things he said. All of it. He doesn’t know if Yukhei is willing to forgive him or even talk to him at all, but who gives a shit anyway. If there was a time to properly take a risk, it would be now. Renjun has nothing to lose.

As he was about to open his mouth, Yukhei suddenly glances at him, making eye contact. This accidentally triggers his fight or flight reaction. In this case, he flees and immediately closes his mouth, retreating back to looking for the necklace while telling himself what a dumb fuck he is. 

Without noticing, Yukhei doesn’t look away. He too was contemplating if he should speak or not. Both, terrified with the idea of fucking up whatever they have now. The only difference was that Yukhei was brave enough to take the risk meanwhile Renjun wasn’t. 

“Remember when we first met?” Yukhei croaks out, with his eyes filled with melancholy and a bit of hope. Renjun, shocked but also relieved that Yukhei was talking to him, he nods in response.

“It was really sunny, that day.” Renjun stated, while eyeing the pavement. “We were out for lunch.” he adds, now walking over to that one spot where he saw a small glint of light.

“Yeah…” Yukhei chuckles while reminiscing on what they both had. Remnants of tears still in his eyes. “I wouldn’t stop bothering Xiaojun for your number that time.” 

“You’ve even paid him to tell you my name, when you could’ve just asked me.” He stops dead on his tracks to look at Yukhei again. He was holding some potted plant in between his huge hands while scanning the ground. Renjun takes his sweet time staring at him.

As they recount their steps, from the moment where it all started to, they start to reassess how things were, how it was so easy back then, until now. They both realize how different things are compared to the present. 

This was the very moment Renjun realizes that it was never meant to be easy. Easy doesn’t always mean it’s the right way to go. Sometimes, it’s the effort that makes things rewarding. He knows this and he could see from Yukhei’s eyes that he knows it too.

He realizes how complicated things were with Yukhei, from opposing beliefs to different personalities. Their personalities clash so often, it was the norm for them. It may seem like hard work for anyone to live with someone who doesn’t agree with you most of the time, but it isn’t. Not to him, not if it’s Yukhei.

As they were recounting their steps, they slowly found their way back to each other. 

Yukhei accidentally bumps against Renjun since he wasn’t looking up, his eyes still stuck on the pavement, dead serious about looking for the necklaces. He mutters a small ‘ _sorry’_ , in a demure manner.

Renjun comes to a conclusion that he shouldn’t be looking for a random glint on the streets, hoping to find whatever they’ve lost half an hour ago, instead he should’ve just looked over his shoulder and seek for the things he missed along the way— Yukhei. He has him and that’s all that matters. He’s gonna be okay, they’re gonna be okay, as long as they have each other.

“Baby? it’s not even near the pavements, it’s just here near the front stairs!” Yukhei says, now following the glint Renjun saw earlier. With no second thought, he carefully places the potted plant down, before heading a beeline towards where it was. Finally, there rests two necklaces entangled with each other on top of a mound of debris. Yukhei scoops both up, dusting it, making sure that no grime stays with the necklace, it was a bit scuffed but that’s alright.

“I think I broke mine…” Renjun says, following to where the other was standing. As soon as relief washes through him, he is immediately welcomed by the sudden cold December breeze. Adrenaline must’ve kept him warm, since the moment he realizes it was cold, an unpleasant tingle rushes throughout his spine.

“That’s okay, we’ll get that fixed.” Yukhei says, while a wisp of cold air comes out of his mouth. “I’m also sorry, for the things I’ve said earlier, my emotions got the best of me.”

“You’re not completely at fault.” Renjun admits, which in some ways, reassured the older. “I should’ve taken a day-off on our anniversary, or at least tell you I was going to be late.” he adds, before grabbing his necklace from Yukhei’s hands. 

“And sure, I do get overwhelmed sometimes but I realized that, that doesn’t mean I no longer want to live with you.” Renjun follows up. “I’m happy I agreed to live with you, genuinely, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.” 

“And I also owe you an apology for not spending more time with you, after we moved in. That’s also one of the regrets I have throughout our whole relationship.” Renjun kicks the dust off his shoes, still guilty from all the things he did. 

“We’ve still got years, Renjun. No rush.” Yukhei replies, a genuine smile finally appearing on his face. Renjun smiles back.

“That’s comforting to hear.”

Renjun looks for a silver lining in all of this, and indeed there was. If he hadn’t shown up late, if he hadn’t thrown the necklaces from the balcony, they wouldn’t have addressed the huge problem they had. Both relieved that they finally had some sort of clarity between them. 

The horizon was now painted with a pretty orange, and a hint of light pink. Dawn was finally setting in. The prettiest time of the day, if you ask Renjun, the time where you can still see a handful of stars, while the sky sets in, readying itself to lit up the cities below.

He knows things won’t change easily overnight, and he was okay with that, if it’s with Yukhei, he knows everything will be okay, If it’s with him, everything will fall into its rightful place. 

He closes his eyes once more, but this time around, the sense of dread is nowhere near him. Yukhei stands next to him, the warmth of his body engulfs Renjun entirely. 

Everything will be alright for the both of them, he knows it will.


End file.
